


Wayward

by kakashikrazy256



Series: When It Isn't Rule 63 [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, its John :), the legends tell john that they love them and are family for the 1000000th time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24692107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakashikrazy256/pseuds/kakashikrazy256
Summary: “Noo way,” Behrad groans when he spots the trenchcoat-wearing blonde woman in Nate’s arms, “the one time I’m on QB, rule 63 hits. It’s just not fair man.”“O piss off B, not in the bloody mood. And don’t worry mate, I’ve always been a lass. You didn’t miss out on some corny and porny trope.““Should I be more concerned that John knows what rule 63 is or the fact that *this* is apparently not caused by the aliens we just squared up with?”
Relationships: John Constantine/Zari Tomaz | Zari Tarazi, Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Series: When It Isn't Rule 63 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785178
Comments: 15
Kudos: 63





	Wayward

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Изменчивый](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25600735) by [fandom Hell Related Things 2020 (HellRaleted)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HellRaleted/pseuds/fandom%20Hell%20Related%20Things%202020), [KisVani](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KisVani/pseuds/KisVani), [MasterIota](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasterIota/pseuds/MasterIota)



> I don’t know where this came from but the idea was amusing and I wanted to explore it. I read a few female John fics and was a bit charmed by them, especially the one with Frank Castle. 
> 
> Takes place during season 6 sometime after they’ve gotten Sara back. 
> 
> John is genderfluid in this story. Sometimes being male is more comfortable, and sometimes it feels nicer to be female. Really doesn’t bother them much. They use the pronouns of the gender they are currently presenting as. Being able to use magic in this regard is a bit nice but John would still feel the same way even if they didn't have magic to shift forms.

“Gideon? Get the medbay ready.” Sara’s voice rings down the hallway as soon as Zari closes the doors to the ship and Behrad tells the AI to put their newly installed warp drive to work. The smoking alien planet on display through the ship’s window blurs and is replaced with darkness when the Waverider moves lightyears away. She and Behrad share a look before rushing towards the commotion as the rest of the team enter the bridge. 

They hadn’t heard anything about a member getting hurt. The comms had been rather chaotic and filled with laser blasts, cursing from the Legends, and screeches in an inhuman language. Static followed for a few minutes after a loud blast had the siblings' ears ringing. Then Ava’s voice crackled over the fizzling speakers, barking orders for them to get the ship running and the doors open while Sara was screaming for everyone to get a move on. 

“What’s wrong, what happened?” Zari asks as they all file in one by one, her eyes scanning over their bodies as they come into view. Their clothes look charred and maybe even still smoking; she wrinkles her nose a bit at that. They look sweaty but so far, all intact. There’s Sara...Ava...Mick...Nate in the back..and..no one else behind him.

“Where’s John?” She keeps her voice steady but her eyes are wide, hands fisted by her sides.

“Right here, Z.” Nate answers before she could think the worst and her shoulders lose the tension that had been building up. Sara and Ava are still standing in front of Nate, looking between each other. Zari tilts her body around them and catches a glimpse of tan clothing in Nate’s arms. She rushes forward, hands moving to cover her mouth. One part of her is wondering how Nate could have held up John’s weight the entire run back to the ship, every other part of her is worrying over her boyfriend’s condition. 

“Wait, Za-”

Her fingers are now hovering over John’s cheeks, but they’re frozen in place. The skin looks smooth, free of the rough stubble that tickles her skin every time he brings his face close. His blonde hair no longer stops at his ears. Instead, it flows freely over shoulders and onto…

Her hands land on his chest.

“Um.” Nate clears his throat.

“Um.” She agrees, lifting her hands from the soft mounds they had landed on. 

The person held in Nate’s arms is not her boyfriend. It is a woman wearing the exact same clothes, though they look a bit baggier. Her eyes are closed, light lashes fluttering.

“What the hell,” Zari pauses for emphasis, “is going on?” 

Sara lets out a rush of air, shaking her head. 

“We-we don’t know. We were getting swarmed at one point, there were too many of them. And John just stepped out and did something. Then the aliens did something.” 

“Everything exploded.” Mick adds, moving into the parlour for the beer he had left behind before leaving the ship. 

“And when we could finally see again…” Ava looks back at the unconscious woman.

“John was...her.” Nate finishes the sentence, shrugging his shoulders a bit. The woman’s head lolls to press against his chest. 

“So what? The aliens can just change people’s genders now?” Zari’s hands are still hovering over John’s face, unsure of what to do. The longer she looks, the more she can see John’s features in her. The jawline is a bit more narrow, the lines on her face are softer, but there are still things there that scream John to her. She lets her hands fall to caress those cheeks. Her skin isn’t the softest; it’s a bit dry and cold to the touch. Just like John’s. 

“We don’t know. That’s why we’re gonna have Gideon take a look at him...her...hm.” Sara gives Nate a pointed look and he startles before moving towards the medbay. Zari pulls her hands back and follows in silent contemplation. 

“Noo way,” Behrad groans when he finally moves close enough to spot the trenchcoat-wearing blonde woman in Nate’s arms, “the one time I’m on QB, rule 63 hits. It’s just not fair man.” 

“O piss off, B. Not in the bloody mood.” The sudden muttered comeback from someone who is supposedly knocked out makes everyone jump and nearly shocks Nate into dropping her. He regains his step without skipping a beat and keeps his stride. Everyone is pushing their way to stand beside Nate in the narrow hallway to get a better look.

“John? That you?” Sara asks tentatively, being the first one to elbow her way to the front. 

“One and only, love.” The woman smiles and Sara can see the familiar dimples. Her voice is rough from the years of smoking, yet Sara can’t deny that there is something attractive and recognizable about it. Beebo on a pogo stick, that’s John Constantine in front of her. 

John angles her head and meets Behrad’s eyes, the smile quirks into a smirk that they all know too well. “And don’t worry mate, I’ve always been a lass. You didn’t miss out on some corny and porny trope.“ 

“Should I be more concerned that John apparently knows what rule 63 is or the fact that this is apparently not caused by the aliens we just squared up with?” Nate asks, genuine confusion in his voice. John rolls her eyes and gives Nate’s shoulders a quick pat. 

“Cmon handsome, I can walk me self.” She starts to squirm in his hold and Nate lets out a series of squeaks as he tries to keep his balance.

“JOhn stop! I’m going to drop you-” 

“That’s the plan-”

“John your clothes don’t even fit you right now. You’ll probably trip out of your shoes if you try to walk. Then it'll be embarrassing for all of us. Mostly you.” Sara runs a hand through her hair with a sigh.

“Just stay put. We’re literally here.” Ava presses the touchpad to open the medbay doors and they all walk in. 

“Thank you for taking the Nate Express, hope you enjoyed your ride.” Nate gripes as he gently sets John down on the medbay chair. 

“Gideon, run a diagnostic.” 

“I’m bloody fine, just had the wind knocked outta me. Stop fussing, it's nothing a drink can't fix.” John rolls her eyes but keeps still as Gideon’s blue light washes over her body. 

“That explosion really knocked you out, John. At least let Gideon take care of concussions and bruises. Then you can explain to us what you meant about how _this_ is normal.” Sara rubs at the corner of her eyes, and Ava puts a hand on her shoulder with a squeeze. 

“Mr. Constantine appears to be physically healthy with no life-threatening injuries sustained. I have fabricated the appropriate doses of painkillers and begun decompression treatment for the concussion. Biologically, Mr. Constantine is currently presenting as a female member of the human species.” Gideon pipes in, her light fading away. Mick sneaks away to pick up the meds from the fabricator. 

“See, perfectly fine. Now if you’ll ‘cuse me-” John makes a move to stand and immediately starts swaying, eyes losing focus.

“Woah, easy.” Zari grabs John by the bicep and gently pushes her back in her chair. Zari has seen John throw some powerful spells during missions. She’s watched him act tough and power through cleanups and debriefs. She knows the dumb expression he makes on his face when he’s trying his hardest not to fall asleep standing. She has shaken her head at the way he can collapse in her bed and not wake up for an entire day. “Even if you’re physically okay, you did something magic crazy didn’t you? You said stuff like that takes a lot out of you.” 

“Aye.” John breathes in deeply, eyes on the ground. She shakes her head, long strands of hair moving into her line of sight. Without much thought, Zari moves the hair out of John’s face, tucking them behind her ears. John tilts her head into the touch, eyes falling shut for a moment.

Sara coughs into her fist and the two back away from each other a bit as they turn to look at their captain. 

“John, I know you’re tired but could you please explain,” She gestures to John’s body, “all this?” 

“Yeah, we’ve got so many questions.” Behrad blurts out, his fingers tapping against the arms he has crossed over his chest. 

“Since when were you a chick?” Nate adds on from where he’s leaning against the wall. Mick walks back into the room, the fabricated painkillers in his hand along with a glass of water. He hands them over to John silently.

“Ta.” She accepts without making a snide comment and takes a moment to swallow the pills. She stays quiet as she sets the empty glass on the table. 

“We were getting overwhelmed, I had to do something. It was supposed to be a deflecting spell that would send all the energy of their attacks back at them and end it in one go. Which it did.” She plays with her hair in a way that doesn’t look intentional, her eyes are trained on the empty space in front of her. 

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ here.” Sara prompts, leaning back against Ava’s absentminded hands that are massaging her shoulders. 

“Their attacks were a bit more powerful than I had accounted for, alright?” She scowls, brown eyes darting up to stare into Sara’s. 

“So my calculations were a bit off and I...” John looks away, chewing on her bottom lip. “I ended up sending out too much firepower to compensate for the initial lack. Then there was a lot of leftover energy that rebounded back.” 

“You fried your own circuits.” Behrad hazards an analogy. 

“That’s one way to put it.” She shrugs, leaning back. 

“Okay, and what does that have to do with…” Ava trails off, unable to find the right words to explain the exact situation.

“Why my bosom is suddenly popped out, ya mean?” John murmurs with a small smile. She starts shrugging the trenchcoat off.

“What are you-” Ava gapes as John begins to unbutton the oversized dress shirt as well. 

“Oop-” Behrad lets out, turning his head. Nate stares straight at John’s face without moving an inch. Mick rolls his eyes. 

“Oh come off it, as if anyone here hasn’t seen a pair of bloody tits before.” 

“I mean, I sure hope they aren’t bloody-ow!” Nate whines when Sara whacks his shoulder. 

“If you’re all done being blushing soddin’ children about it. This is what I want to show you.” 

They turn their attention to a patch of skin right below John’s rib cage. It is slightly reddened and looks irritated.

“Hey, that tattoo isn’t there anymore. The um, the dashes.” Zari presses a finger into the skin gently, pulling back immediately when John let out a wince. “Sorry.” 

“No they aren’t, love. The spell burned through my reserves and the binding spell completely.” 

“What was the spell for?” Mick asks. 

“The tattoo itself held a small amount of my magic in it so that no matter how much magic I did, it wouldn’t affect the incantation that is bound to the tattoo. It’s useful for long term spells that shouldn’t require the user to constantly concentrate on it.” 

“What was the tattoo’s purpose?” Sara asks softly. She shifts to place a firm grip on John’s knee when she grows quiet.

“It was…” John shifts uneasily. “It was to help me keep that form.” 

“That form...you mean your male look?” Zari frowns. John mirrors her expression, drumming her fingers on her thigh. 

“It’s more than a ‘look’. I essentially transmogrificated my entire body. Changed my vocal pitch, my bones, my hair follicles, my damn private parts.” Zari flushes at that, but John keeps talking. “Which is why I dedicated a small portion of my energy into the tattoo, it’s bloody difficult to maintain it and do other things at the same time.” 

“So your original form has always been female?” Sara asks with wide eyes.

“Hold up, is your name even John?” Behrad squeezes the bridge of his nose, eyes clenched shut as he attempts to process all this information. 

“Born John Constantine, yes I was. That’s what it says on me birth certificate.” She says with a bitter smile. “Old da sure was _thrilled_ that I was the one that made it. Let me know it every single bloody day I was with 'im.” John can sense the uncomfortable shift in everyone’s posture. 

She doesn’t know why she is confessing to all of this. The first person she’d told all this to was Chas. And that was only because Chas had known her since they were little whoppers running around the streets, without a clue what the world had in store for them. He had been the one to see her first attempt at becoming a lanky teenage boy. She had smacked him across the head, cheeks flushed when she had shown him her masterpiece between the legs and Chas started crying with laughter. _“John, mate. No bird or lad will approach you with a cock like that!”_

She sighs, “Yes, I was born female”. 

“But...you didn’t feel comfortable with that or...?” 

She studies the faces of her team keenly. The only thing she can see is open curiosity and worry, no judgment in sight. They’re doing their best to understand her predicament. Her chest aches a bit, and she’s not sure if its because she’s unused to having breasts again, or something else. 

She sucks at her teeth, “well, not exactly. I…” She wrings her fingers, cracking her knuckles. “I never particularly cared, didn’t matter much to me. But when I uh...I ran away from home, it was easier to be a 15-year-old homeless boy running to London, than a 15-year-old girl.” 

“I ended up meeting and staying with a coven for a little while. The women there taught me a few things, including the spell.” She rubs her arms, feeling a slight chill. The coven had been pleased to have a fresh young face in their ranks, even if in passing. They’d sheltered her and taught her many things, but had wanted many things in return as well. 

“Why’d you keep the spell going?” Zari’s voice breaks through the fog of memories, and John blinks back at her. Out of everyone, she had been dreading Zari’s reaction the most. She’d never really had the chance to ask Zari about her preferences beyond the fact that it had included John’s male form. Her gut sinks, and she feels nauseous. Many things could change today, and their relationship is the biggest thing weighing on John’s mind. Warm hands press against her own, and she swallows, rubbing Zari’s fingers.

“I’ve always felt that way, about being female and being male. But now with magic...it was just a bit easier to feel like...like me.” She doesn't know if it makes sense to anyone but she keeps the words flowing. “I met most of my crew in that form. It was just easier at that point.” She lets out a laugh but it doesn’t even sound genuine to her own ears. “There never was the right time to let them know. So I said jib it, they didn’t need to know.” 

“And then at some point, I had an image to uphold.” To humans anyways. Demons look into the very essence of a mortal. Male, female, and everything in between, they don't have much care for. 

“John Constantine, exorcist, demonologist, and master of the Dark Arts.” Behrad supplies, waggling his eyebrows.

“Dabbler.” She mutters under her breath.

“Brit in a trenchcoat.” Mick adds.

“True.”

“Kinda looks like Sting.” Sara nods. 

“Actually kinda uncanny, innit? But aye there ya go. Wouldn’t be taken seriously if I showed up as a bird, now would I?” John laughs, but no one joins her. Bollocks, this is so bloody _awkward_. She knows she should’ve played along with Behrad’s initial conclusion. Then she could’ve redone the seal in secret, and chalk it up to the alien powers wearing off. That would’ve saved them this teeth-pulling conversation.

“It’s alright.” Her grin shows teeth. “Once I get my magic mojo back, I’ll redo the seal, and we’ll move past this, mm? Pretend you never saw this lass. Better yet, why not just grab the flasher thingy and-” She makes to stand. Anything to get her away from this situation.

“Woah woah, hey! We haven’t said anything yet, stop jumping to conclusions.” Sara raises her hand, and Zari’s grip on her keeps her sitting. 

“Yeah, we’re cool. Right?” Behrad moves closer until he’s right beside Zari, his hands clamped over her shoulders. 

“How do you want to be referred to? He? She?” Ava clears her throat, trying to steer the conversation away from memory-flashing it gone. 

“They?” Nate raises an eyebrow. 

John stares at them. “Blimey, you lot really are pieces of work. I tell you something like this, and the only thing you have to ask is what my preferred pronouns are?” She tries to remember the last time she’s done this. After Chas, it had been Zee and Nick about a decade ago. It was with their help, that she had been able to refine the inking of the tattoo into becoming something a bit more long-lasting. She remembers their arms around her body, both male and female. Eyes shining with adoration just for her. For him. For them. Then it all fell apart, as per bloody usual. After their chaotic parting (as bitter exes? as enemies? She wasn't sure anymore), they did her courtesy of never revealing that information within the circles they frequented together. It was more than John could ask for.

“I mean, yeah. We’re an inclusive bunch. Misgendering isn’t part of the hero code. Or the human decency code for that matter.” Nate says firmly, and John cracks another smile. 

“Well...I guess I don’t bloody care. I’ve been a man for so long, but I never minded being a woman either I guess. I meant it when I said it never bothered me much, either form. So…” She rubs her eyes, she really isn’t good with this. It’s never been a conversation she’s had or even pondered, much less with so many people at once. “He or she is fine? Just whatever form I am currently in?” She knows it sounds more like a question than a definitive answer. But to be honest, she doesn’t have a clue either.

The Legends seem to be satisfied with this answer, judging from their nods and lack of tension in their postures. 

“A weasel’s a weasel.” Mick grunts succinctly before turning to leave the room. He had said all he needed to say. 

“Mick’s right...kinda.” Sara makes a face, before giving John a piercing look that keeps her attention. “Look John, I...thank you. For telling us this. I know you didn’t have to do that. You could’ve...just pretended it was all part of the alien’s plans.” John stiffens at that. _Jeez, talk about on the money with that one._

“I know you probably didn’t want the truth to come out this way.” Sara continues and John snorts, _no fucking shit._

“But look at me, John.” Sara’s hand is on her knee again, and John meets her eyes warily. “All this? It’s okay. I’ve told you since day one. You’re a part of this team. And we look out for each other here.”

“Even if I want to stay in this form sometimes?” John blurts out before she can think better of it. Because at the heart of the issue, this is what she is worried about, right? Them hating this part of her and her having to force it away, back into some ink and a whispered spell. 

There’s a chorus of ‘of course’ that surrounds her, making her relax a little.

“Of course that’s fine.” Sara reiterates the point. “You’re a freaking lunatic that scares us half to death with the shit you pull. But you’re _our_ lunatic. Male or female. You don’t...you don’t have to hide away a part of you.”

“Captain’s right. We like you.” Zari bops her on the nose, an easy smile on her face when John jumps at the teasing touch. “For you.” 

John swallows, feeling a strange lump in her throat. She wants to kiss Zari; pull her close and whisper how much she loves her and how sorry she is for hiding this. She grips at the armrest of the chair, refraining. They would need to have an in-depth conversation first. 

“Thank you. All of you.” She manages to croak out, lowering her head so her hair would block out how watery her eyes have become. 

She hears some sighs of exasperation, several hands landing on her shoulders, patting and rubbing at them. Sara’s strong grip on her knee and Zari’s hands in hers are a steady constant. She feels warm and tired to the bone. Now that the biggest stressor has been resolved, she’s starting to feel the aftereffects of the event that caused this entire mess in the first place. Her muscles feel sore and her head pounds, even as the pain starts fading into a dull state with the help of the medication. Magic exhaustion fucking sucks. 

“Ms. Constantine should get some rest.” Gideon chirps, as if reading her bloody mind. She yawns in response.

“Alright everybody, let’s get out of John’s hair for now so she can get some sleep.” Sara announces, giving John’s knee one final pat before standing. Ava follows suit. 

“We can talk about your reckless use of magic without regard for your own safety for the umpteenth time when you’re better.” Ava gives her a sweet smile, making John groan.

“I saved us all, didn’t I? That should be a ‘get out of jail free’ card surely?”

“Nope.”

“C'mon Sharpie-”

Ava pulls Sara out the door, and John catches their double cackling before they’re gone. 

“Catch some Zzs John, and we’ll catch ya lataaa.” Behrad winks, shooting some finger guns before dipping out the door. Nate gives her a final clap on the back before running after Behrad. 

The medbay is silent for a moment. Zari’s hand is still intertwined with John’s. 

“Are you…” John gulps, rubbing Zari’s perfect fingers between her own. “Are you mad?” 

“Why would I be mad?” Zari hums softly, flipping John’s hands so they were facing palm-up. 

“Because...because I lied. And I’m not...I’m not a man.” 

“Of course you are.” Zari’s other hand comes up to cup her chin. They stare at each other for a beat.

“Sometimes you are a man. And sometimes you are a woman. You said it yourself, right?” 

“...Yeah. But...is that what you want? If it isn’t…” She lowers her gaze. “That’s okay. We don’t have to anymore. I know that...that I can’t expect you to like me as such. And that’s okay, we can-”

“Hey…” Zari let go of John’s hand, and John suddenly feels very cold. She starts to pull away. Because this is it, right? This is the part where Zari says she’s no longer attracted to John because she can’t be who Zari wants all the time. And it’s back to sleeping on the library couch, back to waking up alone and empty on the insid-

Zari’s hands are on either side of John’s cheeks, pulling her close until their noses are touching. 

“What did I say about assuming what I want? The great John Constantine doesn’t know everything. Listen to me okay?” 

She nods, unable to breathe or move. 

“I’ve...had a few girlfriends in college before so this…” Zari looks down and John realizes she still hasn't buttoned up her shirt. Her cheeks warm up and Zari gives her a smirk. “This doesn’t turn me off.” Her expression turns serious and her eyes are bright with determination to get her point across. John can barely think. 

“And...I...fell in love with you. Your big ego, your crazy need to save the day, your stupid jokes and your…” Zari uses her index fingers to hook into John’s mouth, pushing upwards to form a rather stupid-looking grin. Zari giggles, “your dumb smile.” 

“You being...genderfluid?” Zari hazards a label and John rolls the term around her mind for a moment before nodding. She likes the sound of that. 

“You being genderfluid doesn’t change my feelings for you, okay?” Zari finishes her train of thought and John feels her eyes sting again. 

“Okay.” She manages to answer before pushing forward, crashing her lips against Zari’s soft ones. Zari’s hands move away from her cheeks to rest on the back of her head, running her fingers through her long hair. The kiss is passionate, hinging on the edge of desperate as John wraps her arms around Zari, squeezing tightly. They break apart, breathing heavily. John presses her face against Zari’s shoulder.

“I love you.” She murmurs, speaking in the most definite tone she’s had all evening. 

“Mmm...I know.” John can feel Zari’s smile against the crown of her head. 

They sit together for several minutes in comfortable silence. It feels so good to be in her presence, that John is honestly content to fall asleep like this. 

“Mmk, I’m gonna go to the fabricator and maybe design you some clothes that fit. Maybe even a bra?” Zari pulls at the open shirt, making an estimate as to what size to fabricate. 

“Please keep it simple, love.” John moans, pulling back from Zari’s shoulders and blinking sleepily.

“Hmm no promises. This is finally my chance to put you in something cute, I’m milking this for all I can.” Zari stands up primly, a wicked smile on her face and John whines, holding on to her hands and yanking her back.

“You said you liked my coat.” 

“Yeah, one Burberry trench coat doesn’t make up for all the wrongs in that whole ensemble you have going here.

“No skirts.” 

“We’ll see.” 

“Darling-” 

Zari laughs, leaning over to give John a quick peck on the forehead.

“Okay okay, I’ll be nice. But I expect a wardrobe day date soon.” 

John rolls her eyes at that, but the smile on her face is wide. 

“We’ll see.” She parrots back, and Zari shakes her head in good nature.

“Good night, John.” She whispers in John’s ear, a ghost of a kiss against it before she leaves the room.

John watches her back disappear out the door before Gideon closes it. 

“Gideon, love? The lights if you would.” 

“Of course, Ms. Constantine. I will maintain vigilance over your vital signs.”

The lights in the medbay dim until John is able to comfortably lean back and settle in the chair. The day’s activities are catching up, and she can feel her eyes drooping.

“Rest well.” If Gideon’s voice had sounded a tad warmer than usual, John wasn’t awake to hear it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a standalone piece but I may be working on more in the same universe :0
> 
> Next one might be Zari/John centric and involve clothes fabricating. Or it might be Mick and John centric and involve haircuts with a side of angst :) 
> 
> Thank you for sticking around to entertain my wack idea and I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Comments are appreciated and will let me know if this is an idea that people would like to see more stories of :)


End file.
